55 Lessons to Being Me- Lesson 1
Welcome to my series called “55 Lessons to Being Me”. In just twelve days I am turning 55. As I look back on my life, I have learned so MANY lessons. Each year of my life has made me who I am today… 55 year old Leslie. Some days I love myself + my life + am grateful for all I have been through. But other days, like today, I am just plain worn-out + ask myself “How did I end up here? How did I end up with less than I had twenty years ago?” But silly me quickly takes that kind of thinking back because I KNOW every little thing, whether good or bad, has become a part of who I am today. I am a better person today because of the tearing down + building up of myself. So while I may have less THINGS, my life is RICH with family, my Faith + all of the lessons I have learned + continue to learn.
About a month ago, one of my mentors, Melody Ross, began writing a series called 50 Roads. She was turning 50 in October + set a goal for herself to share 50 Roads she had been down in her life that had built her. As I read her first post, something stirred in my Heart + I KNEW I HAD to write my OWN series. Ever since I was in 5th grade I have had a burning desire to write. To share + tell a story.
So here I am, October 1st, 2021 ready to share MY 55 Lessons. I invite you to join me every Friday as I share bits + pieces of my life (in no particular order, btw). At the end of each post I will ask YOU a few questions so be sure and have your journal ready. Ok, here we go!
“YOU HAVE BEEN CRITICIZING YOURSELF FOR YEARS, AND IT HASN’T WORKED. TRY APPROVING OF YOURSELF AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.”
I was a fat child.
Or at least that is what my classmates, kids on the bus + even some adults said about me.
My nickname in third grade was Mrs. Fat Albert. As I walked down the halls of Richardson Elementary School, kids would snicker, point at me and say…
“Hey, Hey, Hey….it’s Mrs. FAAAAAAAATTTT AAAALLLBBERT.”
It was soul crushing to be called that. Embarrassing. It still hurts.
As I write this, so many feelings are coming up.
Why were people so cruel?
I was a person.
This was me in third grade. Those yellow overalls I have one were my FAVORITE. I LOVED yellow and still do! I remember feeling so bright and happy that day.
But then, as I was sitting down to take this photo, a boy from my class yelled something out about my weight. It was devastating. Every time I see this photo, I get a lump in my throat. I was just a child, with SO MUCH going on at home no one had any idea about. I was overweight, not because I wanted to be but because I was dealing with an alcoholic father at home and stuffing down my feelings with bags of Doritos, pizza and my favorite…an entire pan of cinnamon rolls with butter.
Growing up with an alcoholic father was not easy. It tore me up inside. Mom and I were living with Dr. Jekyll + Mr. Hyde. We NEVER knew what kind of mood Dad would be in. But one thing was ALWAYS certain, once he drank too much…he was so mean.
I loved my Dad fiercely and was so protective of him even when he was making my life miserable. My young self took all of his emotions onto her. Every. Last. One.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back, it’s so obvious to me. No child should have to deal with an out of control parent. But that’s exactly what I did.
Daily.
Growing up we couldn’t have people over, not even family. Especially family. My Dad HATED my Mom’s family. It was crushing.
No family Thanksgiving dinners or Christmas celebrations.
I mean we had them, the three of us, but Dad was usually drunk by the time our meal was cooked.
I ate because I was lonely.
I ate because I was sad.
I ate because I was scared.
I ate because sometimes that is all that would give me comfort.
I needed comfort.
I needed to not feel alone.
That’s me in 8th grade. I was 14. Oh my goodness, that pink shirt! I REMEMBER That pink shirt. I REMEMBER buying that pink shirt. It was one of those velour tops…do you remember? And that necklace! I think I still have it. It’s from AVON and has three stars on it.
The hair….well the hair was fashioned after singing sensation Leif Garret…LOL. I had such a CRUSH on Leif Garret!
My entire world was television, music and food. Those three things are what kept me company, lifted my spirits and made me feel more “normal”.
I LONGED to live like a “normal” person. I had this vision in my head of what that looked like.
A mom and dad who ate together around a table every night.
A mom and dad who never yelled at one another.
A mom and dad who took their daughter to the park or shopping or just wanted to hang out and listen as I shared my feelings.
I am realizing, as I write this, I didn’t have that very often.
I was so alone.
Have you seen the movie “Scrooged” with Bill Murray? It’s one of my favorite Christmas movies, we watch it every year. However, there is one scene from the movie that is hard for me to watch.
In fact just watching now, has brought me to tears. Something similar happened to me when I was young.
It was Christmas Eve and like most every kid, I was sooo EXCITED about opening presents the next day. Mom and I were in the living room and my Dad came in.
He had been drinking.
For whatever reason my Dad would get drunk, EVERY holiday. It broke my Heart.
So in comes my drunk Dad.
I was sitting on the floor, Mom and I were watching some Christmas special.
I looked up at Dad, just like in this “Scrooged” scene.
I said something to him about how excited I was about Christmas the next day.
He looked at me, smiled and dropped a gold can in my lap.
“Merry Christmas, Leslie. You like to eat so you’ll like this.”
It was a can of onion dip.
This is one of my favorite photos of myself. I have it hanging in my studio.
This 12 year old Leslie reminds me to be STRONG.
She was BRAVE.
Oh, so BRAVE.
The Lesson I learned from this time of my life was to keep on going. Don’t give up.
I tried my best to do the things that made me happy in spite of what was going on around me.
I found JOY in writing in my diary.
I found JOY in pretending like a was a travel agent. I would play this for hours, using old vacation pamphlets, a notebook and pen.
I found JOY in my neighborhood. All of those kids were like brothers + sisters I never had.
I found JOY walking to the “Little Store” with my Mama.
I found JOY in music. I listened to my records and the radio every day. Still do. I LOVE music and so grateful I had it to keep me sane.
I found JOY in the simple things. And even though my childhood was full of trauma, I am so GRATEFUL for my parents. My Dad would have GOOD DAYS. And when he did, he told me EVERY ONE OF THOSE DAYS how proud he was of me. He loved me. I am sure of that. He was just so full of trauma himself and didn’t know how to deal with it.
And my Mom, she made sure we had a meal every night and that I was safe and that I was loved.
All these years later I still can’t handle fighting. Before my husband and I got married I told him we were NEVER to argue in front of our children. I didn’t want to lay all of that on my kids.
A lesson I am still trying to learn is to love myself…all of myself. My body mostly. I have a terrible self-image. But I am working on that.
There is always hope. No matter our situation. No matter our trial. No matter where life takes us. WE CAN HOPE.
Ok, dear friends…think back to a very difficult time in your life. What did you find JOY in during that time? I know it may be hard to find it, and you may even think it wasn’t there….but trust me…it was. You found SOMETHING. Write about it. Is this very difficult time in your life still affecting you today? What are some steps you can take to overcome your negative thinking? For me and my body image…I TRULY want to fix that this year. I plan on making positive body affirmation tags to keep as a reminder when I need it. Also I need MORE self-care. When I take care of ME, I begin to SEE myself in a different light.
Friends, I am so blessed to have you here! Thank you for reading this.
Much Love,
Leslie
